What a Relationship Shouldn’t Be.


I am in the enviable position of being in a healthy marriage—but it didn’t come easy.

Part of my secret is luck.

When my husband found me I was basically a shell of a woman—still involved with my ex, who was one of the cruelest people I have ever personally known. Most men would have run fast and far from me and my situation—and they would have been justified—but my husband offered me kindness, and from that a deep love began to grow.

The good thing about having been in a long series of sh*tty relationships was that when something different came along, I could appreciate it.

Sadly, I was so used to dysfunction and fear and sadness that it took me a long time to feel comfortable with being treated well.

Looking back now, I wish someone had told me not just what a healthy partnership is, but what it isn’t.

If they had, I might have been able to understand that simply being in love doesn’t mean we have to accept being treated poorly or unfairly—even if it is unintentional.

We will have many opportunities to love in our lifetime, but we should only fully invest in and honor those that serve our greatest good.

To figure out if we are in a good-for-us relationship, we can ask ourselves these questions. If the answer to even one of them is yes, it might be time to try something new.

1) Do I spend more time thinking about my relationship than anything else in my life?

One consistent hallmark of all my bad relationships was that I spent an inordinate time thinking about them. It really shouldn’t be that complicated.

When we are in a healthy relationship, we are often able and willing to turn our attention to other things. When we do choose to focus on our partnership, it is not with a sense of all consuming angst, but with calm, good humor and hopefulness.

2) Do I feel trapped in my relationship?

Bad relationships make us feel like there is no escape. Everything in our lives is constricted by our interactions with our partner, and we become drained and desperate.

Healthy relationships, on the other hand, provide us with personal freedom. Knowing we have a solid home base, and loving support for exactly who we are, allows us to be brave in unprecedented ways.

3) Do I feel sad, angry or confused most of the time when I consider my relationship?

The me of 20 years ago would have been very surprised to discover that relationships should not cause inordinate sadness, anger or confusion!

Indeed, they should provide large doses of comfort, happiness and even joy.

4) Do I wonder if this is really all there is for me when it comes to love?

If our relationship seems grey instead of filled with vibrant color, and our instincts tell us there is something more to life than this, we are probably right.

We can give ourselves permission to find it.

5) Is it rare that I feel heard or understood?

Above all, a relationship is where we should feel our true self is known and cherished. If we constantly defend ourselves or have to justify our desires or needs, we are not in the presence of someone who accepts us as we are.

6) Am I concerned that my partner doesn’t trust me, or that I don’t trust him?

In my youth, I grossly underestimated how important trust is. Without it, nothing else has anywhere to stick.

Once trust is broken, it is almost impossible to put back together, and the effort of doing so may outweigh all the other positives a relationship can offer.

7) Do I constantly feel the need to defend my relationship to other people in my life?

If everyone we know seems to think our relationship isn’t working, it will serve us well to consider their viewpoint.

Oftentimes, our friends and family can have insights that may perpetually elude us. It isn’t always easy to swallow our pride and think about what other people have to say, but it will usually yield wisdom in some form or another.

No relationship is perfect—and perfection is not what we should seek—but the good should significantly outweigh the bad. If it doesn’t, we can always make the choice to walk another path and try to find the love we all deserve.


Author: Erica Leibrandt

Editor: Toby Israel

Photo: Rachel.Adams/Flickr

What a Relationship Shouldn’t Be.

Category: Center News · Tags:




The moment when your daughter begins to date is probably one of the most frightening times for any father. As a parent, you have spent years doing everything you can to protect your daughter from the world, so it can be hard to accept the switch from guardian and provider to bystander. But believe it or not, fathers play a critical role in their daughter’s dating life. In a focus group held by One Love, intimate partner violence experts asked survivors of relationship abuse to share their stories and give advice for parents looking to talk to their children about dating relationships. And while this advice came directly from female survivors, any parent can use the following 5 tips to help both sons and daughters avoid abusive relationships.


“It would have really hit home for me if my dad had said something to me [while I was in an abusive relationship]. There was that point where I started to know it was really, really bad. I was still emotionally tied to [my partner] and wanted to give him second chances, work through it and love him. But if my dad had said something, opened up his heart, that could have been the one emotional trigger for me because we grew up so close.”


The advice: Fathers often feel like it’s not their place to intervene in their daughter’s dating life. However, survivors overwhelmingly expressed how important their fathers were and could have been when they were experiencing abuse. If something seems off with your daughter’s relationship, you can really help by saying something.


“I felt like being in a relationship was a social achievement. It’s was a marker. It would’ve been helpful if [my parents] said that the more important thing was that it was a happy and healthy relationship. Not that you were in one.” 


The advice: A common theme expressed by survivors was that they felt like they had to be in a relationship to be successful in the eyes of their parents. This perception prevented them from talking to their parents about what was really going on. You can help relieve some of this pressure by letting your daughter or child know that a relationship is not a social achievement that you expect of them.


“[Fathers should] bring up the fact that just because someone doesn’t hit you that doesn’t mean it’s not abuse. Within our culture, my dad and brother absolutely said, “if anyone ever lays a hand on you, I will find them and I will…,” you know. But in my mind, I said, ‘Oh, he’s just yelling. Oh, he’s just drunk. Oh, he’s just angry. Oh, he’s just throwing things at me…Oh, he didn’t hit me, so it’s not abuse.’ I’ve learned that is 100% not the case and I wish that that was something that my parents would have at least broached with me at some point, because that would have been so helpful.” 


The advice: Too often, people don’t identify what they are experiencing as abuse because they aren’t being physically hurt by their partner. Teaching your daughter that emotional abuse is just as damaging and can escalate to violence will help them understand that emotional abuse qualifies as abuse, too.


“My family just absolutely adored him and they were so excited that I finally found my good Christian man…That was another reason I didn’t want to divulge to my family, because they had such a [misrepresented idea] of who he truly was.” 


The advice: Survivors described being worried about disappointing their parents and feeling the need to protect them from the news. They also talked about being influenced by the relationship their parents had with their abusive partner. You can help make it easier for your daughter talk to you about these difficult things by letting her know that you are always on her side – no matter what.


 “I wish that my parents would have let me know that even though they were raising me to be this independent, strong person, that it was okay if I [ended up in a situation and I needed help to get out of it.] I just felt like I couldn’t go to them because I was afraid of disappointing them. I was afraid of telling them that I had gotten myself in this.” 


The advice: Sometimes the expectations that parents place on their children can make them feel as though they need to maintain an image of perfection in the eyes of their parents. Remind your daughter that it’s okay to ask for help. Just because your daughter is in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, let her know that it won’t change how you look at her.

Source: http://www.joinonelove.org/dear_dad


Category: Center News · Tags:

Adult Protective Services

Image result for elder abuse

The APS Act established a program designed to meet the needs of vulnerable adults and to assure the availability of the program to all eligible persons. It places authority and responsibility for investigations and interventions in situations of abuse/neglect of vulnerable adults with the Department of Health and Human Services (DHHS) and local law enforcement agencies. Adult Protective Services investigates reports of vulnerable adult abuse/neglect/exploitation, including self-neglect and intervenes when maltreatment is confirmed. Adult Protective Services are provided with as little disruption to the client’s life as possible. Whenever possible, clients are helped to live in the environment of their choice. DHHS acknowledges that as long as adults can recognize the consequences of decisions they have made about their lives, the right to make those decisions must be respected, provided they are capable of making that choice.

Who is eligible for Adult Protective Services (APS)?

Persons who are:

18 years of age or older and have a substantial functional or mental impairment – a condition that impairs a person’s ability to live independently or provide self-care without services.


18 years of age or older and have a guardian that was appointed by the Nebraska Probate Code.


There are allegations of abuse, neglect, or exploitation, including self-neglect.

When and how does Adult Protective Services (APS) get involved?

Adult Protective Services (APS) becomes involved when someone from the community suspects abuse/neglect/exploitation, including self-neglect and makes a report.  APS reviews the report to make a determination if an investigation is needed under the APS law. APS may conduct an investigation to determine if the alleged victim is a vulnerable adult and if there has been abuse/neglect/exploitation, including self-neglect.  APS may also help determine what services are needed.

What can APS do?

APS can:

  • Investigate reports of abuse/neglect/exploitation, including self-neglect.
  • Provide information to the county attorney
  • Assist law enforcement in investigations
  • Obtain court orders for involuntary services

During the course of the investigation, APS can:

What can’t APS do?

APS can’t:

  • Become guardian of the person or conservator of the estate
  • Remove someone from their home without a court order
  • Force someone with capacity to accept services
  • Be a guardianship program for communities
  • Place an individual in an alternate living arrangement without their agreement or a legal representative’s agreement
  • Become involved if there is no abuse/neglect/exploitation, including self-neglect

What are indicators of abuse?

  • Physical Abuse:
    • Old and new injuries together
    • Fractures, bruises, cuts, internal injuries, bite marks, burns
    • Injury that is not cared for properly
    • Injuries that form the shape of an object, cord or belt
    • Burns the shape of objects
    • Bilateral bruising
    • Injury that doesn’t make sense with the explanation given for its cause
  • Sexual abuse:
    • Genital or anal pain, irritation or bleeding
    • Bruises around breasts or genital area
    • Unexplained sexually transmitted disease or genital infections
    • Observation of sexual abuse
    • Torn or stained underwear
    • Unexplained vaginal or anal bleeding
    • Verbalized report of sexual abuse
  • Financial exploitation:
    • Cashing checks without permission/authority
    • Misusing Power Of Attorney/Durable Power Of Attorney
    • ATM withdrawals inconsistent with the victim’s use/ability
    • Unpaid bills with adequate income
    • Bank accounts overdrawn with adequate income
  • Denial of Essential Services or Self-Neglect:
    • Living Environment:
      • Unsafe–shelter
      • Lack of food, clothing, medicine, or edible food
      • Human or animal feces on floors/furniture
      • Rotting floors, ceilings
      • Housing does not protect from weather
    • Victim Conditions:
      • Activities of daily living being neglected
      • Untreated medical conditions or injuries
      • Advanced bed sores
      • Lack of needed prosthetic devices – glasses, dentures, walkers, hearing aids
      • Poor personal hygiene such as untrimmed nails, matted hair, soiled clothing, and odors
      • Improperly clothed for winter or no clothing
      • Person shows signs of not enough food or water for no good cause
      • Lack of proper supervision

What kind of information does APS need?

  • Name, address, and age of the vulnerable adult
  • Name, address of caregiver
  • Nature and extent of abuse, neglect, or exploitation
  • Evidence of previous abuse
  • Any other information that would be helpful to identify the cause of the alleged abuse/neglect/exploitation or the identity of the perpetrator.

Will my information be kept confidential?

  • An APS worker investigating the abuse is not allowed to tell a victim or perpetrator who made the report.
  • Reporter’s name will be shared with the appropriate law enforcement agency and may be shared with the county attorney or DHHS, Licensure Unit, if appropriate.

Who are mandated reporters (who does the state law say MUST report suspected abuse)?

  • Physician, Physician Assistant
  • Psychologist, Mental Health Professional
  • Nurse, nursing assistant, Other medical professional
  • Developmental Disability Professional
  • Law enforcement personnel
  • Caregiver or employee of a caregiver
  • Operator or Employee of a sheltered workshop
  • Human services professional or paraprofessional
  • Owner, operator, or employee of any facility licensed by DHHS, Division of Public Health, or Licensure Unit

When do I need to make a report?

  • Anytime you have reasonable cause to believe a vulnerable adult has been subjected to abuse or neglect.
  • You observed a vulnerable adult being subjected to conditions or circumstances which reasonably would result in abuse or neglect.

I have made a report. What can I expect?

  • To be told by letter or phone whether or not the report will be investigated, if you gave your name and address when you made your report.  Remember, giving your name and contact information is proof of your fulfillment of your obligation to report suspected abuse and neglect. That reports of abuse or neglect in nursing homes, assisted living facilities, and other facilities that are licensed or certified will be referred to DHHS , Division of Public Health, Licensure Unit for investigation.

Where can I read the APS law and regulations?

If you have reason to believe a vulnerable adult has been abused, neglected or exploited:

Call the 24-hour toll-free hotline at
OR your local law enforcement.

Source: http://dhhs.ne.gov/children_family_services/Pages/nea_aps_apsindex.aspx

Category: Center News · Tags:

How Parents Talk With Their Children About Consent

Each generation of parents likes to think they’re getting smarter about raising children, so that those kids can be smarter, too. Technological growth and new information play a major key in this, hence all the quinoa and the advent of gadgets like this “Pixar-like robotic home assistant.” Some of these developments might inspire a wave of eye rolls from the jaded as well as a chorus of “well, back in my day”s, but frankly, these advancements are important, because back in many millennials’ days, something pretty essential was missing in most kids’ lives: Our parents and public school systems never briefed us on the deep-seated nuances and importance of sexual consent.

Recently, Fusion asked a group of men how they learned about consent, and some responses were downright sickening. One man shared: “Being nice and an attentive partner were points or chips that a guy collected until he had enough to cash in for sex. Rape was seen as a violent act that a woman actively fought against. If a girl wasn’t screaming and pushing you off her, she was not being raped.” (It’s no wonder former Vice President Joe Biden felt compelled to define “rape” to a group of college-aged men.)

I grew up understanding rape and sexual assault as something that happens only if you’re wandering a dark alley alone at night in a short skirt; something done only by a stranger and exclusively centered around forced penetration. I don’t fault my parents or public school education for skipping over this; besides the fact it’s uncomfortable (admittedly a weak-ass excuse to not discuss something important), in the ’90s we lacked appropriate and approachable terminology like “consent.” Because of these oversights, it’s taken many of us years to understand that certain experiences—drinking too much and coming to as an acquaintance is having sex with you, having a partner forcibly urge sex to happen till it does, being encouraged to imbibe in more alcohol or drugs than you want, so that you perform sexual acts with someone you would not while sober, etc.—as sexual assault or rape.

Although it’s great national conversations about consent are ramping up at college campuses, it’s important this generation teaches the next the power of bodily autonomy at an even younger age, and how that extends further than “empowering” your daughter with high self-confidence. Lots of emotionally and physically strong women and people still fall victim to sexual assault and rape. Telling your young daughter she is powerful and enrolling her in karate classes is great, but that doesn’t clarify how to understand and communicate when physical or sexual touch is okay with you or not.

There’s plenty of resources in books and online available for parents who want to keep their children safe (obviously) now and through adulthood, but surely I’m not the only one whose biggest takeaway from books like What’s Happening to My Body? Book for Girls was feelings of discomfort and confusion. And turning to the internet for answers about consent could easily lead kids to decidedly unhelpful places. Nothing can take the place of an actual conversation with an informed adult—like a parent.

To get a better idea of how parents are talking to their kids about consent, we spoke with eight moms and dads of young children to hear about their approach. Here’s what they had to say.

For many parents, tickling serves as an early metaphor for when an action starts in pleasure-inducing fun but can become quite stressful and actually distressing if pushed past a threshold or comfort zone for the person being tickled.
Caroline: I have two sons, a two- and a three-year-old, and consent is already a subject here. If someone wants a hug or kiss and the other person says no, we say okay and smile and wave. If I am playing or tickling them and they say “stop,” even while laughing, I immediately stop, put my hands up and say, “I’m sorry.” It will become a bigger subject as they get older, but it is never too early to show them the basics.

Hollienoël: My kids are six and almost five. They are allowed to refuse to hug or kiss family or strangers with a “no, thanks,” and we ask them if we can have a high-five instead. They can also refuse the high-five with no cajoling. We stop tickling IMMEDIATELY when they say stop. I ask friends’ kids, “May I pick you up?” Or “I’d like to hug you, is that okay?” instead of just doing it. When my kids wrestle, they have to stop as soon as someone says stop, because we aren’t allowed to touch someone’s body without permission.

Haley: Because my kids are very young—all three are under 10—an explicit conversation about sexual consent hasn’t happened yet, but I do think there are ways to equip children to help them both protect themselves from abuse and to respect the bodies of others at a very young age. Fostering respect for the space of others and their bodies is something that comes up naturally; “If so-and-so says, ‘Stop climbing on/ hugging/tickling me,’ then it’s time to stop and give them space.” Siblings push the boundaries on this a lot, but encouraging respect for other people and their bodies is something that can be learned early.

Establishing an understanding of bodily autonomy is a crucial component for talking about consent.
Erica: We started with a foundational concept of bodily autonomy from day one, in the NICU. I had read this before [my daughter] was born knowing she was going to be a preemie, and while we don’t follow [Magda Gerber’s RIE philosophy] 100 percent, the big thing has been telling her what is happening to her, and when it makes sense to give her options to control her own body. Something else that catches people off-guard: I won’t let people touch her without asking permission first. [At 11 months old,] she can’t really respond verbally, but she can reach for someone to initiate contact. We have said, “You can ask her for a high-five,” too, now that she knows how to!

We also model consent with each other and in response to her. “I don’t like X, and this is my body. I won’t let you X.” Or something. Also, we’re sure to demonstrate consent when we are affectionate with each other. “May I have a kiss?” etc. To be honest, I am probably going overboard, but I’d rather make it 100 percent obvious to her that her body is hers and only hers than leave any ambiguity.

Michelle: My son is only 18 months, but already I’m trying to reinforce: (1) gentle touch, which is basically not hitting/pushing, etc. and (2) no one has the right to touch him if he doesn’t want to, so no hugs/picking him up if he doesn’t want to, especially from non-parents. As he gets older, we will expand the basic understanding of body autonomy to other people, as well as himself.

Hollienoël: We talk explicitly about [permission], no one is in charge of your body but you—except for rules that keep you healthy and safe. Seatbelt, toothbrushing, bike helmet—not up for discussion. Smiling for pictures, hugging other people, choosing to do medium-dangerous stuff like jump off the top of the slide? Those are your choices. And when we get there, haircuts, piercings, etc.—those will be their decisions, too.

Haley: I think it’s really important to instill in our kids, even as toddlers, that their bodies belong to them. They do not have to do anything with their bodies, like hug or kiss someone, if it makes them uncomfortable, and they can speak up and say, “No, I don’t want to do that.” I was really glad my five-year-old recently told me something she was asked to do in dance class [“shake her booty”], made her feel “embarrassed,” and that she didn’t want to go back. It encouraged me that, if she was vulnerable to sexual abuse, she would feel safe telling me and confident in the knowledge that it’s unacceptable for someone to ask her to do something with her body that makes her feel upset.

Erica: Sometimes it’s a simple warning: “I’m going to pick you up now.” Other times it’s an option: “Do you want to follow me or do you want me to pick you up?” Also what has taken self-training on my part is interrupting her if she is doing something. Especially [when] trying to “help.” We let her feed herself and choose what she eats from healthy options provided, as well. It’s a little extreme for our culture, but I feel better not doing things to her as much, and doing things with her more.

Even with very young children who cannot yet comprehend verbal language, parents are developing game plans to start instilling these important lessons. Unfortunately, some of their urgency stems from their own confusing or scary experiences growing up.
Cristina: As a new parent—my daughter is three months old—I obviously don’t have too much to say on this topic just yet. However, I can tell you why, as soon as I heard about this, it made so much sense to me. The very first thing that popped into my head when I read my first consent article was my aunt’s ex-boyfriend. I must have been around four years old, and yet I can distinctly remember dreading the sight of him because he would always ask for a kiss and I was always forced to give it. I can remember saying no, and then the adults would laugh and say that I was being coy because I liked him. This enraged me! The other thing that killed me about him was that he knew I loved Ricky Martin, so he would say he was Ricky Martin, as if that were going to make me like him more.

I don’t want [my daughter] to have awkward memories like that. So, yes, I plan on telling her it’s her choice who she is okay hugging or kissing.

Daniel: My wife and I plan to be much more open about sexuality with our children, two daughters under the age of two, than our parents were with us. Growing up, I had to forge my own path, figure things out on my own. I never told my parents when I was going through puberty or when I became sexually active. My parents didn’t create an environment that was conducive to having honest conversations about stuff like that. I was never passed down any insight from my parents, even though it’s probably one of the things a teenager needs insight on the most. It was too awkward, I had crossed that bridge without them, and it would be too weird to broach the subject. And that’s what we hope to flip on its head.

Our hope is that we can create an environment where our kids feel comfortable talking about this stuff with us as they mature. The goal for us is to never build barriers of awkwardness and let them know that their sexuality is healthy and normal. As a parent, your number one goal is always the safety of your child. It’s not awkward to tell your child that they need to look both ways before crossing the street, and we hope to foster the kind of relationship that allows for a conversation about anything to be as simple as that.

So, will there be a conversation about consent? Absolutely. But my hope is that conversation isn’t something that happens one night when we awkwardly sit her down. My hope is that, over the course of her life, we help guide and shape her into a strong, confident person that stands up for herself and others, that loves her body and knows that her body is her own.

But that’s all wishful thinking, hoping that everything goes according to our ideal plan, which almost any parent will tell you doesn’t always happen. But when it comes down to it, even if we don’t get to the point that we can talk about sex without the awkwardness, we’ll be having that conversation. Because if an awkward conversation will keep my kids safe, it’s worth it.

And even with the advent of more schools broaching the topic of consent, parents of school-aged children say they still double down on reinforcing the concept at home.
Sarah: [My daughter] is eight, so it is mostly a one-sided conversation, single perspective at the moment. However, I’d say the topic is approached from a couple of angles and is a conversation I think you can’t start too early. First, there’s in-school counseling. Her elementary school conducts a “Talking about Touching” personal safety program. This covers everything from understanding the difference between safe and unsafe/unwanted touches to the “Always Ask First” and “Touching” rules, which basically outline body information and encourages the child to communicate with their trusted adults.

At home, it’s a little trickier and more holistic. It’s more about laying the foundation and not only affects how she will deal with consent issues but most other challenges. Here are a few ways we do this:

1. Honesty, trust, and reliability: We maintain open communication between us so that she’s never afraid to tell me if something occurs.

2. Empathy, mindfulness: I teach her to respect others’ feelings and wishes and know that her actions—even the little ones—toward others have consequences on how that person feels. This could evolve later into understanding the subtle signals you send or receive and being mindful of that.

3. Inner strength/self-esteem: The stronger and more confident she is, the less likely she’ll find herself in a victim role or succumbing to pressure. In theory, though, this is a tough one with no guarantees—some of the strongest people I know have been victims of assault because life sucks like that sometimes.

4. Defining relationships: I think it’s important for her to understand the different types of relationship—from familial and platonic to romantic and professional—and understand, at least on a subconscious level at her age, how those relationships manifest physically.

5. On-going self-defense tools: There are self-defense tools for all ages. Teach them to your children, your teens, yourself. These can range from how to physically defend yourself/escape or how to simply be mindful of your actions and surroundings.

Source: BY BECA GRIMM · MAY 12, 2017


Category: Center News · Tags:

June is Elder Abuse Awareness Month

June is Elder Abuse Awareness Month. According to The Administration on Aging, hundreds of thousands of elderly are abused, neglected, and exploited each year. Many of these victims are frail, vulnerable, and cannot help themselves and depend on others for their most basic needs. Their abusers may be family members, friends, or others they “trust.”

Elder abuse in general, is a term referring to any knowing, intentional, or negligent act by a caregiver or any other person that causes harm or a serious risk of harm to a vulnerable adult (AoA). All 50 states have passed some form of elder abuse prevention laws. Different types of abuse can include physical, sexual, neglect, exploitation, emotional, abandonment, and self-neglect. There are many warning signs of elder abuse, while one does not necessarily indicate abuse some more obvious signs include:

Physical- bruises, broken bones, pressure marks, etc. or any other bodily injuries. Sexual- bruises around the breasts or genital area. Financial- sudden changes in financial situations. Neglect- bedsores, unattended medical needs, poor hygiene, and unusual weight loss. Emotional- behavior such as belittling, threats, and other uses of power and control by caregivers. Other signs may be strained or tense relationships and frequent arguments between the caregiver and elderly person.

If you suspect elder abuse please call the Adult Protective Services Hotline at: 1-800-652-1999

If someone is in immediate danger, call 911 or the local police for immediate help. One of the most important things you can do is be alert. Suffering is often silent and if you notice changes in a senior’s personality or behavior, you should question what is going on. Remember it’s not your role to verify abuse is happening but to alert others of your suspicions.

This information was founded by the Administration on Aging. Visit www.aoa.gov for more information on elder abuse, warning signs, and reporting.

Category: Center News · Tags:

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