Facing the holiday season as an abuse survivor can seem like a daunting task. Survivors can experience feelings of fear, guilt, worry, panic, and loneliness. They may even have thoughts of wanting to return to the abuser because they miss what once was.
Survivors can be especially fearful of the holiday season if the abuser is a member of their family. Seeing the abuser can cause memories of the trauma to come flooding back and if the survivor is unable to cut the abuser out of their lives completely, they are faced with the very real possibility of encountering the abuser at a holiday gathering.
Sometimes, a survivor may also fear coming face-to-face with family members who didn’t believe them about the abuse.
First and foremost, survivors need to know that what they feel is completely normal and valid. You have a right to your thoughts and feelings. You are not overreacting. You are not making things up.
Your healing journey is your own. No one can tell you how to heal or how long you should be on your path. With that said, you ARE a survivor. You made it through an experience was meant to destroy you. My mother always told me, “You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for,” and she is right. Survivors don’t give themselves enough credit, I know I didn’t. Even if it feels difficult, you have the strength to survive the holiday season.
Staying on your healing path is the best way to make the holiday season a more positive experience. When one positive experience occurs, then you know it’s possible for a second one to occur, too. The longer you have your have your healing routine, the easier it will be to stick to it and create positive experiences.
However, there are other ways to face the holiday season with our heads held high, whether we are new to our healing journeys or not.
Create and reinforce boundaries
If being around abusive relatives makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed, decline the invitation. Do not feel obligated to attend a gathering simply because it’s family and don’t feel pressured to invite your abuser to a family gathering because they are a relative or the parent of your child.
Help in the kitchen
Dr. Kathleen Young’s suggestion of involving yourself in the holiday preparations is an excellent one. Spending time in the kitchen and focusing on a few set tasks can help keep you centered and focused.
Gaze outside
Young also suggests sitting near a window during gatherings. Occasionally glancing out the window allows you to focus on other objects outside the gathering. Look at how the leaves fall off the tree or how the wind bends the branches. Sometimes taking the focus off of the people in the room and onto another object can help you to refocus.
Bring a journal
If you need to clear your head and focus on yourself for a moment, feel free to bring a journal to re-read any positive affirmations written down. Repeating them to yourself can reaffirm your strength and prevent you from wanting to return to your abuser.
Tune out or walk away
When certain music plays or topics of discussion begin to make you uncomfortable, you can choose to tune out that song or excuse yourself from the discussion and leave the room. You do not need to participate in any conversation that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Reinforce boundaries
If you feel uncomfortable discussing a certain topic, let people know. In some cases, complete avoidance can allow you to prevent the topic from being mentioned at all.
Surround yourself with positive people
Spend time with family and friends at the gathering who can center you. Sometimes surrounding ourselves with friends or loving family members can reassure us that we aren’t alone.
This method can be especially effective if no other tool is working. Taking a deep breath and enjoying the company of loving and supportive family members can help you refocus on the moment and block out the source of negativity.
By keeping the above tips in mind, you can make this holiday season a positive and happy one.
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By Jenn Rockefeller